it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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