Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
