The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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