I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
