Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
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he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
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You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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