break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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