just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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