There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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