It's Friday. Sex?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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