My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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