If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
