Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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