If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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