So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
the room spins SO much faster in panama
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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