I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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