I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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