How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
