i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
