Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
