I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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