you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
