Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
