just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
