I'm gonna have a badass scar
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
