He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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