So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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