I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
