the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
