I didn't shave. On purpose
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
