and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
