I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Randomize
