I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
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So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
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last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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