im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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