i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Randomize
