Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
birth control should be required to get into college
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Randomize
