Pappa wants mamma naked
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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