I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
