where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
