i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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