Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
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I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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