You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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