My Higher Power is John Stamos
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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