I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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