your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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