Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Randomize
