I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
please don't ironically join a cult
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