This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
