I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
