successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
