as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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