something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
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This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
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I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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