Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
