Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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